I still don’t understand me

It’s all a struggle at the moment, and I’m very frustrated. Bad habits that I’d stopped without any problem in January are back with a vengeance. Yesterday I ate a normal sensible breakfast (porridge/fruit/oj), a restrained and delicious business lunch – declining desert – and all was going well. Then I missed my train which created a potential derailment problem (for me, not the train) and decided to have dinner in McDonald’s while waiting for the next one. But still, I was restrained, sort of. After a battle with myself I avoided ordering anything sweet.  This, I thought, was a seminal moment and highly encouraging. And yet, just before I went to bed, I scoffed 4 mini sponge cakes, three hobnobs and a packet of crisps, in a matter of 5 minutes or so.

Why why why why why why why??? I can’t begin to understand this. I wasn’t hungry, wasn’t suffering any particular cravings, and was on my way to bed. There was no problem at all. And I got no noticeable pleasure from the food either. Maybe I was slightly frustrated with my day, maybe I was slightly annoyed by my self-destructive behavior in staying up so late again for no particularly good reason. But then again, maybe I’m over-analysing everything. Maybe I’m simply insane.  Sometimes I really think I might be, in a little way. I’m not dangerous if you meet me on the street or anything like that, and in most aspects of life I’m quite rational. I’m capable of supervising my children without losing or killing them, I even manage to run a business. But with food I actually seem to self-harm, just as much as a teenage girl who stabs herself repeatedly with scissors.

I don’t even have a theory, much less a conclusion. But I’m suffering from compulsive eating again this month when I thought it was a thing of the past. Today wasn’t too bad, but that’s mostly because there was nothing sweet in the house bar the last mini sponge cake and a dozen jelly beans, all of which I ate before lunch. Also had 3 bags of crisps and grazed at the children’s chips when it was their tea time (but not mine). So really no improvement in behavior, just less opportunity to misbehave.

Tomorrow’s another day. My goal for tomorrow is simple to walk to the station and pay attention to what I eat. I’m not even going to try and restrict it, because it won’t work in my present frame of mind, and nothing fails like failure.

Square 1

This week has gone from bad to worse. After letting go at the weekend, instead of picking up where I left of on Monday I’ve just slipped further and further back to my old ways. Yesterday, my diet consisted of a full english breakfast, a donner kebab and chips, 3 cadbury’s creme eggs, a crunchie, and a slice of coffe cake. In other words a big bucket of lard and sugar.  The only slight hint of any positive progress was that I didn’t (quite) finish everything at my two meals, but that really is clutching at straws.

I’m worried that I’ve now had three days of “fresh start” that has lapsed into complete failure. This is a familiar pattern from dieting days, and one I am desperate to avoid. So today’s goals are just

a) Have a proper breakfast, i.e porridge/fruit/OJ – tick

b) Walk to the station & back. Done the first half, and difficult to get out of the walk back now. No reason to either, the weather is fine & mild, and I’d rather walk than take a bus any day.

Not setting any other goals today. Tomorrow my goal is to have a decent walk, at least an hour, and eat slower & more conciously, and that’s it. I need to get some success chalked up.

More Hypnotherapy

Wow, just got back from my hypnotherapy session, which today was quite an experience. We did much deeper hypnotherapy today, and it felt weird (in a good way). The best way I can describe it is when you feel semi-concious in the night while dreaming, and actually think you are awake until you realise you can’t move. I lost touch with my arms completely, thought they had gone totally numb, but they came back bar a slight tingle as soon as I was brought round.

The main purpose of the session today was to talk to the different “parts of me”  – the one that still wants to eat chocolate and the one that is working on changing my lifestyle and getting me fit. I had to give them names, which felt a bit silly, but once we’d got past that it seemed to flow naturally enough. So now we have (fat)  Fred the chocolate man, and (Slim) Jim the new lifesyle Guru, who have agreed to work in harmony to help me achieve my goals. Fred, apparently, is a well meaning but slightly misguided soul who just wants me to have a bit of fun to break up my long working days, and thus far has only been able to think of eating confectionary as a suitably short diversion. We have decided to try and find some other diversions instead, preferably onces where I can expend a bit of energy as  I get so fidgety sat at my desk all day long.

The main conclusion of the session is that I’m going to buy a swingball set for the garden. The good thing about having kids is that I can pretend it’s really for them so I won’t look like a complete nob. Then instead of going to the kitchen for a biscuit I can go outside and whack the ball round for a few minutes. I think this could help a bit, I have never grown out of the simple pleasure of hitting or throwing a ball, but I never get to do it as I am all grown up with responsibilities, and my kids can’t throw more than a few feet yet or catch anything other than colds. I may also buy a punchbag for when it’s raining, or when I’ve just spoken to someone from the public sector, or British Telecom.  Ideally I’d like a little home gym, but don’t really have the room. Don’t really want it cluttering my office, and the remainder of the house is full of childrens toys & clothes, and my wife’s shoes.

We also re-enforced all the messages we did at the last session. And a new thing that Wanda did was try and plant in my subconcious a message that every time I see the colour red it will increase my determination. Will be interesting to see if that works, though I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be aware of it if it does.

I’m very motivated at the moment, which I was even before the session today but even more so now. Feeling quite confident too. I’m starting to really believe that 2009 will be the year I change my life for he better. And not in a “I must believe it for it to work so I’m going to say I believe it” kind of way. I’m philosophical too. I know it’s very early days, and after 30 years of being out of control and more failed attempts to change than I could possible count, the form book clearly says I will still be fat in 12 months. But this time, I may just defy the odds. In fact there’s a thought. I’ve read about people putting bets on themselves to lose weight, I wonder if I could do that. It would be a great extra incentive:)

Making headway

Today was good. I’m fairly sure my staple breakfast is key to everything. When I have a good start the rest of the day falls into place more. Today I had three light meals, did allow myself a slice of cake after one and a mini ice cream after dinner, but haven’t eaten anything at all between meals. Had a walk to the local town and back too, and for the first time I actually strode back up the hill to my house with some purpose. I attacked it. It’s no longer a challenge simply to put one foot in front of the other and make it to the top, I’ve moved on a stage. I’ve taken an important step towards my fitness challenge, and it feels really good.

I also weighed myself  for the first time this year. I wasn’t planning on doing this but I needed some confirmation of my progress after a couple of not so great days. I’ve lost about 15lbs since mid December, probably almost all this month. My bad breath problem seems to be under control too, don’t know if it’s the mouthwash or whether it’s just cleared up by itself.

I have another hypnotherapy session tomorrow, which I’m looking forward to. It’s not midnight yet and I’m leaving my tax return and all the other stuff I should have done by now and prioritising looking after myself. I’ll get the return done online tomorrow with any luck, and if I don’t I’ll just pay the fine.  Sorting my health out is more important, so I’m going to bed, not a little elated. Life is good.

Re-invigorating lifestyle changes

I think one of the biggest challenges anyone trying to lose weight or make other changes in their life faces is when, after an initial positive change, they start to drift back to their old ways and have to give the change a kick start. I’m at that point now. The last few days I’ve been getting progressively worse and am not following my new rules. Yesterday was a mess, only had one proper meal but grazed most of the afternoon on biscuits and odd sandwiches, whether hungry or not. I also failed to deliver on other initiatives I had planned – in particular I hardly left my desk all day apart from to get food, when the plan was to take regular breaks and walk round the garden or something.

Why?

The only explanation I have is bad habits. I had no strong cravings, I didn’t get into a battle of wills, I just lost focus and drifted back to my old ways. It is almost like a computer being re-booted, except slowly over a few days. The new lifestyle habits are evidently still only stored in my RAM, and the old habits are firmly etched on my hard drive. I need to find a way to delete them and “save” my new life. Possibly literally.

It’s frustrating to keep taking two steps forward and one back, but perhaps I need to focus on less things at once until I can make them habits.  I’ve been going to bed much too late, and some days this has impacted in the mornings in that I’ve had breakfast too late, or not at all. That’s not good.

Today I managed my stable porridge breakfast, so the day has already started better. I’m now going to mostly try and do the following

– take a break from my desk every 60-90 mins and go outside for 5 mins

– drink water if I’m tempted to eat between means, and if that doesn’t stop the urge, ask myself out loud if I am hungry, and if so whether what I’m about to eat is the best solution.

– go to bed before midnight

I’ve also become rather lax at listening to my hypnotherapy MP3, which I’m supposed to do at least twice a week. I’ll do that on my next break.

The day the wheels came off

Oh dear. Fallen apart at the seams today, for no apparent reason other than a lack of focus. I had no particularly stressful incidents, no strong cravings, no excuses at all really. Everything was going fine until early afternoon, then my daughter brought me a biscuit she had made. I couldn’t tell her I didn’t want it, so I put it on my desk, then half an hour later picked it up and ate it. That opened the floodgates, and during the rest of the day I made several raids on my wife’s not-so-secret chocolate stash and the biscuit tin, and worst of all polished off an abandoned gingerbread man while warming up my evening meal.

I don’t have anything humorous to say about this, I’m just really annoyed with myself. I’m going to bed in disgrace.

Sugar Cravings coming & going

Yesterday was really tough. Was looking after both children and my youngest was not in a co-operative mood, which caused a certain amount of stress, but I’m not sure that had much to do with my cravings. Whatever the reason, they were back with avengance, and I was pre-occupied by a need for sugar virtually all day. I didn’t give in to it much (couple of biscuits and a few crumbs of birthday cake), but I was snappy with the children and generally in a foul mood. I just thought all the positivity from the hypnosis had worn off and I was back to the old me, and I know there’s no way I can get through many days like yesterday on will power alone without caving in.

Today has been fine though.  Been out with the family getting some fresh air and gentle exercise, and even got a little real exercise at the end of the day as they all got the bus up the hill back home and I walked. After naming his tree last weekend, today Isaac named “Derek the Duck Rock” (a rock that was shaped like a duck, apparently, though not obviously enough for my untrained eye), as well as  “Rocky Path” and “Muddy Bank”.  He enjoyed himself though, and that’s the main thing. I’m determined that the outdoors will be a big part of his life, and I’ve discovered that, like so many things in life, it’s all about the marketing.  If I suggest we go for a “walk” he will do anything to get out of it. Walks are boring, he hates walks. But if I suggest we go for an “adventure”, he’s usually up for it.

I feel back on track and full of positive energy. Mind you, that won’t last long, as the treats in store for me this evening include my tax return, renewing my road fund license, and paying a big pile of bills that we’ve just got forwarded from our old house. Oh, the joy:)

My fitness challenge

Today I am excited. I have received my entry form for what I’ve decided will be my mid-year fitness challenge, the Yorkshire three peak walk. This is something I discussed with Wanda, my hypnotherapist, and we agreed that it would be great to have a positive goal to focus on, rather than a list of things not to do. We did some work under hypnosis on visualising myself crossing the finishing line – it seemed powerful at the time though hasn’t really stuck with me. I think now I can officially enter it’s going to seem more real though, and I have another hypnotherapy session next Friday so we may work on it some more I hope.

This involves a circular walk of around 26 miles, climbing the three highest mountains in Yorkshire (not very high, all around 2500 ft) for a total ascent and descent of over 5000 feet, with the traditional challenge being to complete it in 12 hours.  There is an organised charity event for Heart Research UK so I’m going to try and raise a little money for them in the process, but I’d be lying if I said that was the main motivation. I want to set myself a challenge that I know will take significant weight loss and excercise for me to be able to achieve.

The event is on 20 June, the day after my 44th birthday, so I’ve got five more months to shift weight and get much fitter. This gives a purpose to my walking know, and I couldn’t have a better birthday present than crossing the finishing line within the 12 hour target. I think I’ll try and round up a team from the office too – there are several ultra-fit types there who could do this any day of the week with no prep. But being part of a team would give me an extra incentive not to let the side down. The lightest I’ve been any time in the last 10 years is about 260lbs (18 st 4 if you’re British and not good at your 14 times table), so that’s my loose goal for 20 June – seems realistic, that would be 60 lbs in just under 6 months. But really if I complete the walking challenge it will be mission accomplished.

Tough day

I interviewed someone last night for a job I’ve been trying to fill for months. This vacancy causes me no end of stress, leaving me short handed, and overworked.  This, of course, is not good for lifestyle initiatives.

Anyway, he was perfect, and the elation of finding him no doubt helped me steam up the hill home in record time. Finally got hold of him at lunchtime to offer him the job, and he’d had second thoughts and turned it down flat. Major kick in the nether regions. I have no other candidates so I’m back to square one, and this leaves my angry, frustrated and thoroughly fed up that I have to start this all over again.

Been thinking about a sugar hit on and off all afternoon. Deep in my sub-concisous, maybe not that deep, my brain still thinks “emotional problem? Solution = eat chocolate”. I haven’t, yet. Went to a cafe for a sandwhich at lunch time and had to stride really fast past the sweet/cake counter, it pulled at me much harder today. I got onto the street and actually stuck my chest out slightly like I was breaking the tape at the end of a race.  Even passing the corner shop was tricky, and I’ve thought several times about going out again specially for chocolate.  This is the first day in two weeks I’ve felt like this for more than a few minutes, I hope it passes soon.

Ugh, my breath stinks

I’ve noticed the last few days my breath is disgusting. I’ve experienced this before when I had a spell on the Cambridge diet (don’t try it), and I’ve heard it’s common for people on low carb diets, but I didn’t expect it from eating a healthy balanced diet, which is what I thought I was doing. Still think I am actually.

Following some online research, I’ll try drinking even more water, mouthwash and chewing gum, and we’ll see how it goes. This is a bummer. Hopefully it’s just that eating like a normal human being is such a shock to my system that it will take me time to adjust. While I’m not by any means “low carb”, I have cut out a ton of sugar so I’m a lot lower than I used to be. Maybe the reduction is what does it?