I still don’t understand me

It’s all a struggle at the moment, and I’m very frustrated. Bad habits that I’d stopped without any problem in January are back with a vengeance. Yesterday I ate a normal sensible breakfast (porridge/fruit/oj), a restrained and delicious business lunch – declining desert – and all was going well. Then I missed my train which created a potential derailment problem (for me, not the train) and decided to have dinner in McDonald’s while waiting for the next one. But still, I was restrained, sort of. After a battle with myself I avoided ordering anything sweet.  This, I thought, was a seminal moment and highly encouraging. And yet, just before I went to bed, I scoffed 4 mini sponge cakes, three hobnobs and a packet of crisps, in a matter of 5 minutes or so.

Why why why why why why why??? I can’t begin to understand this. I wasn’t hungry, wasn’t suffering any particular cravings, and was on my way to bed. There was no problem at all. And I got no noticeable pleasure from the food either. Maybe I was slightly frustrated with my day, maybe I was slightly annoyed by my self-destructive behavior in staying up so late again for no particularly good reason. But then again, maybe I’m over-analysing everything. Maybe I’m simply insane.  Sometimes I really think I might be, in a little way. I’m not dangerous if you meet me on the street or anything like that, and in most aspects of life I’m quite rational. I’m capable of supervising my children without losing or killing them, I even manage to run a business. But with food I actually seem to self-harm, just as much as a teenage girl who stabs herself repeatedly with scissors.

I don’t even have a theory, much less a conclusion. But I’m suffering from compulsive eating again this month when I thought it was a thing of the past. Today wasn’t too bad, but that’s mostly because there was nothing sweet in the house bar the last mini sponge cake and a dozen jelly beans, all of which I ate before lunch. Also had 3 bags of crisps and grazed at the children’s chips when it was their tea time (but not mine). So really no improvement in behavior, just less opportunity to misbehave.

Tomorrow’s another day. My goal for tomorrow is simple to walk to the station and pay attention to what I eat. I’m not even going to try and restrict it, because it won’t work in my present frame of mind, and nothing fails like failure.

Tags: business lunch, change lifestyle, children, compulsive eating, concious eating, emotional eating