I must be near the bottom now

… because I don’t think I can go much lower.  Yesterday was the culmination of two weeks heading mostly down a slippery slope. We had a buffet and some friends round, and I can’t even remember what I ate but I know it included pretty much a whole Pavlova and a whole bunch of other sugary stuff. I slept 10 hours last night too – I hardly ever sleep more than 6. I think that’s the sugar. This morning my wife, bless her, took all the remaining cakes and biscuits with her in the car when she went out.  She even remembered the caramel squares from Thorntons, with their crystallised sugar which (like meringue) is pretty much crack cocaine for me. As those went in the bag I felt a little cry of anguish inside me, and almost stopped her from taking them.

It’s hard to believe that less than 3 weeks ago I felt in almost total control with food, was losing weight nice and steadily, and really looking forward to a summer where I’d be several stones lighter than last year. Now, hear I sit, back in my fatter jeans, like a pathetic washed up junkie. At least that’s how I felt last night and first thing this morning. I’m getting a bit more of a grip now. I don’t like being the person I was yesterday one bit. Today will just be hour by hour – I have to fight back somehow.

Cadbury’s creme egg report

Today I gave in to the lure of my favourite sweet treat and had a creme egg on the way through the station. I think that makes it four so far this year. Ordinarily, I would reach that landmark some time around 2 Jan, along with eating all kinds of other crap. Four in a day hasn’t been at all unusual in the past, and I’ve been known to hit double figures now and again. So one a week isn’t really too bad.

Tough day

I interviewed someone last night for a job I’ve been trying to fill for months. This vacancy causes me no end of stress, leaving me short handed, and overworked.  This, of course, is not good for lifestyle initiatives.

Anyway, he was perfect, and the elation of finding him no doubt helped me steam up the hill home in record time. Finally got hold of him at lunchtime to offer him the job, and he’d had second thoughts and turned it down flat. Major kick in the nether regions. I have no other candidates so I’m back to square one, and this leaves my angry, frustrated and thoroughly fed up that I have to start this all over again.

Been thinking about a sugar hit on and off all afternoon. Deep in my sub-concisous, maybe not that deep, my brain still thinks “emotional problem? Solution = eat chocolate”. I haven’t, yet. Went to a cafe for a sandwhich at lunch time and had to stride really fast past the sweet/cake counter, it pulled at me much harder today. I got onto the street and actually stuck my chest out slightly like I was breaking the tape at the end of a race.  Even passing the corner shop was tricky, and I’ve thought several times about going out again specially for chocolate.  This is the first day in two weeks I’ve felt like this for more than a few minutes, I hope it passes soon.

Can you be addicted to food?

When I last spoke to my doctor about my weight, he suggested I see a nutritionists, and basically lectured me on discipline and choices. I pleaded for help with the psychological side of my eating, but it fell on deaf ears. It wasn’t (just) that there was no help available, he genuinely had no idea what I was talking about.

Most naturally slim people stick rigidly to the belief that sugar/chocolate/food in general are not addictive, and that (by implication at least) fat people are simply greedy and stupid.  This seems to be pretty much the official line of the UK Government.

But yet I, and I believe thousands of others, have found myself in a state of complete desperation to get hold of chocolate on occasions. Regularly, I used to buy anything up to 2000 calories worth and eat it in secret. Sometimes I would buy it while on my way home or to meetings, and park up somewhere quiet to eat in privacy. When a plate of chocolate biscuits appeared in a meeting, I often couldn’t concentrate on the topic until they’d all gone. I would plot strategies to take as many as possible without looking too conspicuous. Pathetic? Well, yes. But I’m sorry, these are not the behaviors of someone with a normal relationship with food who is just being a bit greedy. They are the classic behaviors  of a shameful addict.

I don’t buy the argument that food can’t be addictive. I think anything could be addictive, for someone. Everyone accepts that gambling is addictive and that doesn’t involve putting anything in your body. So there is obviously more to it than externally administered chemicals.

Moment of weakness

I lapsed into a moment of emotional scoffing tonight. My daugher was playing up big-time at bed time (well, way after bed time) and for some reason I ate her two chocolate mice that she’s been saving since Christmas. I hope she’s forgotten about them. I’m not sure if my wife reads this blog, don’t think so, but she does know about it. If she does, I’m in trouble.

I’m disappointed with myself because it’s the first time in a while that I haven’t been able to stop myself doing this. Or maybe I didn’t try hard enough. It was only a little bit of chocolate and it is all we have in the house as far as I know, I think that made me feel “safe” to eat it, knowing there wasn’t going to be a chain reaction.

I don’t think there would have been anyway, as it happens. I’m not really craving for anything. Ate dinner in front of the TV as well, so broke another rule. But I did try to eat attentively, and didn’t finish anything like all of it, which is a good sign.

So some positives to takeaway from a not-so-great day. I think maybe it started to go downhill right at breakfast time when I didn’t get a proper breakfast due to lack of forward planning on my part.

I’m determined that this is not the thin end of the wedge, it’s a minor blip and tomorrow will be better. It’s not like I had a blow out, just slipped a little into old bad habits.

I have an MP3 from Wanda, my hypnotherapist – I’ll listen to that before I go to bed.