I still don’t understand me

It’s all a struggle at the moment, and I’m very frustrated. Bad habits that I’d stopped without any problem in January are back with a vengeance. Yesterday I ate a normal sensible breakfast (porridge/fruit/oj), a restrained and delicious business lunch – declining desert – and all was going well. Then I missed my train which created a potential derailment problem (for me, not the train) and decided to have dinner in McDonald’s while waiting for the next one. But still, I was restrained, sort of. After a battle with myself I avoided ordering anything sweet.  This, I thought, was a seminal moment and highly encouraging. And yet, just before I went to bed, I scoffed 4 mini sponge cakes, three hobnobs and a packet of crisps, in a matter of 5 minutes or so.

Why why why why why why why??? I can’t begin to understand this. I wasn’t hungry, wasn’t suffering any particular cravings, and was on my way to bed. There was no problem at all. And I got no noticeable pleasure from the food either. Maybe I was slightly frustrated with my day, maybe I was slightly annoyed by my self-destructive behavior in staying up so late again for no particularly good reason. But then again, maybe I’m over-analysing everything. Maybe I’m simply insane.  Sometimes I really think I might be, in a little way. I’m not dangerous if you meet me on the street or anything like that, and in most aspects of life I’m quite rational. I’m capable of supervising my children without losing or killing them, I even manage to run a business. But with food I actually seem to self-harm, just as much as a teenage girl who stabs herself repeatedly with scissors.

I don’t even have a theory, much less a conclusion. But I’m suffering from compulsive eating again this month when I thought it was a thing of the past. Today wasn’t too bad, but that’s mostly because there was nothing sweet in the house bar the last mini sponge cake and a dozen jelly beans, all of which I ate before lunch. Also had 3 bags of crisps and grazed at the children’s chips when it was their tea time (but not mine). So really no improvement in behavior, just less opportunity to misbehave.

Tomorrow’s another day. My goal for tomorrow is simple to walk to the station and pay attention to what I eat. I’m not even going to try and restrict it, because it won’t work in my present frame of mind, and nothing fails like failure.

A triumphant day

Yesterday was a very good day. It’s funny, because on any of my 27 (approx) previous big initiatives to lose weight, I’d have though it was a bad day. My calorie consumption was slightly on the high side I suspect – don’t know exactly but I’m guessing at lunch as I ate in a restaurant. BUT, the old me would have eaten twice as much at least. And as I’m now concerned with changing habits for life rather than precisely how many grams of fat I may or may not have burned off in one day, there were some great positives.

#1 – Had a business lunch for the first time this year, quite an important meeting. I therefore wasn’t too focused on the food, as I had to concentrate on the meeting, and being a man, can only think of one thing at once.  Here’s the great thing. Without really thinking about it, and without trying, I just naturally put down my fork with quite a lot of Spaghetti Carbonara left on the plate, and pushed it away. Not because it wasn’t nice, it was lovely, but because I had had enough. And the lady I was meeting, who I would guess is a size 8 at most and very glamorous, ordered the same and cleared her plate!

#2 – I wore my belt on the fifth loop all day, and am doing so again today. I bought this belt on 5 Jan and was using the third loop then. It’s a bit tight now, but definitely a bit too loose on the 4th.

#3 I smashed my own world record* for walking from the station to my house (the long way round) by 6 minutes, coming in at the 34 minute mark. Disappointingly, I still had to have one puffing and panting stop 3/4 of the way up the hill, but I’m going to do it all in one go soon.

#4 I didn’t eat between meals apart from an apple when I got home late at night, or anything sweet at mealtimes.

*It’s fair to say that this particular world record is not one that is focused on by many of the worlds top athletes, as the IOC have yet to introduce “walking from the station to my house (the long way round)” as an official Olympic event. This is disappointing, but does increase my chances of hanging on to the record. I am the official timekeeper too, and operating anonymously, so that’s gotta help. Whatever, it was a personal best.