I must be near the bottom now

… because I don’t think I can go much lower.  Yesterday was the culmination of two weeks heading mostly down a slippery slope. We had a buffet and some friends round, and I can’t even remember what I ate but I know it included pretty much a whole Pavlova and a whole bunch of other sugary stuff. I slept 10 hours last night too – I hardly ever sleep more than 6. I think that’s the sugar. This morning my wife, bless her, took all the remaining cakes and biscuits with her in the car when she went out.  She even remembered the caramel squares from Thorntons, with their crystallised sugar which (like meringue) is pretty much crack cocaine for me. As those went in the bag I felt a little cry of anguish inside me, and almost stopped her from taking them.

It’s hard to believe that less than 3 weeks ago I felt in almost total control with food, was losing weight nice and steadily, and really looking forward to a summer where I’d be several stones lighter than last year. Now, hear I sit, back in my fatter jeans, like a pathetic washed up junkie. At least that’s how I felt last night and first thing this morning. I’m getting a bit more of a grip now. I don’t like being the person I was yesterday one bit. Today will just be hour by hour – I have to fight back somehow.

Weekend away

This weekend we left the kids with my Mum and went away to a hotel. I knew this would be a big test of my reformed eating, and I failed with flying colours. In the end I decided to not worry about it as I had the sense I was just going to ruin the weekend without achieving anything if I did. So I decided to settle for using it as a learning experience.

What have I learned? A few things.

1. Hotel breakfast buffets and newspapers are a dangerous combination. The buffet encourages too much food on the plate, the paper stops me eating conciously. Reading the paper is part of the pleasure of being away – with young children and a busy work life I never get to do it at home. So my lesson is that I have to recognise I probably won’t eat as conciously as I should, and therefore concentrate on what goes on the plate in the first place. This is the reverse to my usual aim, which is not to worry about what goes on the plate as I try to eat conciously and stop when no longer hungry.

2. Drinking makes me eat more. Hardly a revelation I guess, but worth reminding myself of this one.

3. I’m not sure I really enjoy drinking all that much any more, beyond a glass or two of wine with a meal. Maybe I should knock it on the head, I don’t think I’d miss it much.

4. Set menus in chinese restaurants – probably most restaurants – result in a ridiculously large amount of food being served. I was full enough to stop after the starters, but ploughed on through two more courses because I didn’t want to ruin the night by being a misery.

5. Despite anticipating it and telling myself not to in advance, I still grazed the danish pastries while at the breakfast  buffet filling my plate. Pathetic. Must do much better.

6. England may actually be worse at cricket than I am at eating sensibly.

Let it snow

This week I have discovered a new form of excercise – shovelling snow. We have about 8-10 inches at the moment, and on Tuesday the kids stayed home and I got quite a bit of excercise building a snowman and an attempt at an igloo (not very successful). Then this morning I had to clear a path down the drive for my wife to do the school run, with a silly little shovel not designed for the purpose – that was hard work.

Walked to/from the station again today, and also had walks of over an hour on Sunday and Tuesday, so I’m having a good week for excercise already. Will probably walk to station at least once more this week, because it’s easier than digging my car up! Not quite so good for food, slipping back into snacking and deserts quite a bit and portion sizes may have crept up at the odd meal too. It hasn’t been terrible, but several biscuits a day kind of thing. One day was much worse – Monday I think. Today has been better. Been struggling to catch up with work all week and when I’m chasing my tail like this I can easily drift into a short term mode where nothing but surviving the day matters, and then I lose motivation. Also missed my proper breakfast Monday/Tuesday – that always mucks my day up. Porridge rocks!

I’ve been staring at red things a lot following my last hypnotherapy session, which are supposed to increase my motivation. Is it working? I don’t think so really. I’m also struggling with the hypnotherapy MP3 this week, have abandoned it part way twice because I just couldn’t get into it. Maybe it’s just got too repetitive, or maybe I’m just in the wrong frame of mind.

Ordered my Swingball on Ebay on Sunday, still waiting for it to show up. Not that I would get much use of it just now with all the snow, which doesn’t look like going any time soon.  But I still want to get my hands on it, it’s another positive step.

Tough day

I interviewed someone last night for a job I’ve been trying to fill for months. This vacancy causes me no end of stress, leaving me short handed, and overworked.  This, of course, is not good for lifestyle initiatives.

Anyway, he was perfect, and the elation of finding him no doubt helped me steam up the hill home in record time. Finally got hold of him at lunchtime to offer him the job, and he’d had second thoughts and turned it down flat. Major kick in the nether regions. I have no other candidates so I’m back to square one, and this leaves my angry, frustrated and thoroughly fed up that I have to start this all over again.

Been thinking about a sugar hit on and off all afternoon. Deep in my sub-concisous, maybe not that deep, my brain still thinks “emotional problem? Solution = eat chocolate”. I haven’t, yet. Went to a cafe for a sandwhich at lunch time and had to stride really fast past the sweet/cake counter, it pulled at me much harder today. I got onto the street and actually stuck my chest out slightly like I was breaking the tape at the end of a race.  Even passing the corner shop was tricky, and I’ve thought several times about going out again specially for chocolate.  This is the first day in two weeks I’ve felt like this for more than a few minutes, I hope it passes soon.

She’s at it again

My daughter that is, screaming her head off at bedtime, slept for 3 hours or so and now she’s at it again (12.15 am). She never used to be like this, I don’t know what’s got into her lately. There’s no reasoning with her, but I suppose that’s normal as she’s only 3.  But tonight, unlike last time, it’s not driven me to food. She has no chocolate left for me to steal, but I wouldn’t anyway. We have cake & biscuits & I want neither. Which is very good.

As for my daughter, she may end up on e-bay if she keeps this up much longer.