I still don’t understand me

It’s all a struggle at the moment, and I’m very frustrated. Bad habits that I’d stopped without any problem in January are back with a vengeance. Yesterday I ate a normal sensible breakfast (porridge/fruit/oj), a restrained and delicious business lunch – declining desert – and all was going well. Then I missed my train which created a potential derailment problem (for me, not the train) and decided to have dinner in McDonald’s while waiting for the next one. But still, I was restrained, sort of. After a battle with myself I avoided ordering anything sweet.  This, I thought, was a seminal moment and highly encouraging. And yet, just before I went to bed, I scoffed 4 mini sponge cakes, three hobnobs and a packet of crisps, in a matter of 5 minutes or so.

Why why why why why why why??? I can’t begin to understand this. I wasn’t hungry, wasn’t suffering any particular cravings, and was on my way to bed. There was no problem at all. And I got no noticeable pleasure from the food either. Maybe I was slightly frustrated with my day, maybe I was slightly annoyed by my self-destructive behavior in staying up so late again for no particularly good reason. But then again, maybe I’m over-analysing everything. Maybe I’m simply insane.  Sometimes I really think I might be, in a little way. I’m not dangerous if you meet me on the street or anything like that, and in most aspects of life I’m quite rational. I’m capable of supervising my children without losing or killing them, I even manage to run a business. But with food I actually seem to self-harm, just as much as a teenage girl who stabs herself repeatedly with scissors.

I don’t even have a theory, much less a conclusion. But I’m suffering from compulsive eating again this month when I thought it was a thing of the past. Today wasn’t too bad, but that’s mostly because there was nothing sweet in the house bar the last mini sponge cake and a dozen jelly beans, all of which I ate before lunch. Also had 3 bags of crisps and grazed at the children’s chips when it was their tea time (but not mine). So really no improvement in behavior, just less opportunity to misbehave.

Tomorrow’s another day. My goal for tomorrow is simple to walk to the station and pay attention to what I eat. I’m not even going to try and restrict it, because it won’t work in my present frame of mind, and nothing fails like failure.

More Hypnotherapy

Wow, just got back from my hypnotherapy session, which today was quite an experience. We did much deeper hypnotherapy today, and it felt weird (in a good way). The best way I can describe it is when you feel semi-concious in the night while dreaming, and actually think you are awake until you realise you can’t move. I lost touch with my arms completely, thought they had gone totally numb, but they came back bar a slight tingle as soon as I was brought round.

The main purpose of the session today was to talk to the different “parts of me”  – the one that still wants to eat chocolate and the one that is working on changing my lifestyle and getting me fit. I had to give them names, which felt a bit silly, but once we’d got past that it seemed to flow naturally enough. So now we have (fat)  Fred the chocolate man, and (Slim) Jim the new lifesyle Guru, who have agreed to work in harmony to help me achieve my goals. Fred, apparently, is a well meaning but slightly misguided soul who just wants me to have a bit of fun to break up my long working days, and thus far has only been able to think of eating confectionary as a suitably short diversion. We have decided to try and find some other diversions instead, preferably onces where I can expend a bit of energy as  I get so fidgety sat at my desk all day long.

The main conclusion of the session is that I’m going to buy a swingball set for the garden. The good thing about having kids is that I can pretend it’s really for them so I won’t look like a complete nob. Then instead of going to the kitchen for a biscuit I can go outside and whack the ball round for a few minutes. I think this could help a bit, I have never grown out of the simple pleasure of hitting or throwing a ball, but I never get to do it as I am all grown up with responsibilities, and my kids can’t throw more than a few feet yet or catch anything other than colds. I may also buy a punchbag for when it’s raining, or when I’ve just spoken to someone from the public sector, or British Telecom.  Ideally I’d like a little home gym, but don’t really have the room. Don’t really want it cluttering my office, and the remainder of the house is full of childrens toys & clothes, and my wife’s shoes.

We also re-enforced all the messages we did at the last session. And a new thing that Wanda did was try and plant in my subconcious a message that every time I see the colour red it will increase my determination. Will be interesting to see if that works, though I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be aware of it if it does.

I’m very motivated at the moment, which I was even before the session today but even more so now. Feeling quite confident too. I’m starting to really believe that 2009 will be the year I change my life for he better. And not in a “I must believe it for it to work so I’m going to say I believe it” kind of way. I’m philosophical too. I know it’s very early days, and after 30 years of being out of control and more failed attempts to change than I could possible count, the form book clearly says I will still be fat in 12 months. But this time, I may just defy the odds. In fact there’s a thought. I’ve read about people putting bets on themselves to lose weight, I wonder if I could do that. It would be a great extra incentive:)

She’s at it again

My daughter that is, screaming her head off at bedtime, slept for 3 hours or so and now she’s at it again (12.15 am). She never used to be like this, I don’t know what’s got into her lately. There’s no reasoning with her, but I suppose that’s normal as she’s only 3.  But tonight, unlike last time, it’s not driven me to food. She has no chocolate left for me to steal, but I wouldn’t anyway. We have cake & biscuits & I want neither. Which is very good.

As for my daughter, she may end up on e-bay if she keeps this up much longer.

Happy days

I’ve just been for a little walk, and even managed to persuade my 6-y-o son, Isaac, to come with me. It cost me a trip to the toy shop, but what the hec. We had an hour in the park then walked the 2m or so back home through a little woodland path we discovered during the Christmas holidays (we’ve only just moved to this house in December). And after moaning about being tired and asking if we could get a taxi(!) he got stuck in and really enjoyed himself. He raced on in front, named a tree after himself after climbing it (well, sitting on the bottom branch), and we sat on an escarpment and watched trains coming and going from the station hundreds of feet below. This is what life is for.