I still don’t understand me

It’s all a struggle at the moment, and I’m very frustrated. Bad habits that I’d stopped without any problem in January are back with a vengeance. Yesterday I ate a normal sensible breakfast (porridge/fruit/oj), a restrained and delicious business lunch – declining desert – and all was going well. Then I missed my train which created a potential derailment problem (for me, not the train) and decided to have dinner in McDonald’s while waiting for the next one. But still, I was restrained, sort of. After a battle with myself I avoided ordering anything sweet.  This, I thought, was a seminal moment and highly encouraging. And yet, just before I went to bed, I scoffed 4 mini sponge cakes, three hobnobs and a packet of crisps, in a matter of 5 minutes or so.

Why why why why why why why??? I can’t begin to understand this. I wasn’t hungry, wasn’t suffering any particular cravings, and was on my way to bed. There was no problem at all. And I got no noticeable pleasure from the food either. Maybe I was slightly frustrated with my day, maybe I was slightly annoyed by my self-destructive behavior in staying up so late again for no particularly good reason. But then again, maybe I’m over-analysing everything. Maybe I’m simply insane.  Sometimes I really think I might be, in a little way. I’m not dangerous if you meet me on the street or anything like that, and in most aspects of life I’m quite rational. I’m capable of supervising my children without losing or killing them, I even manage to run a business. But with food I actually seem to self-harm, just as much as a teenage girl who stabs herself repeatedly with scissors.

I don’t even have a theory, much less a conclusion. But I’m suffering from compulsive eating again this month when I thought it was a thing of the past. Today wasn’t too bad, but that’s mostly because there was nothing sweet in the house bar the last mini sponge cake and a dozen jelly beans, all of which I ate before lunch. Also had 3 bags of crisps and grazed at the children’s chips when it was their tea time (but not mine). So really no improvement in behavior, just less opportunity to misbehave.

Tomorrow’s another day. My goal for tomorrow is simple to walk to the station and pay attention to what I eat. I’m not even going to try and restrict it, because it won’t work in my present frame of mind, and nothing fails like failure.

Tough day

I interviewed someone last night for a job I’ve been trying to fill for months. This vacancy causes me no end of stress, leaving me short handed, and overworked.  This, of course, is not good for lifestyle initiatives.

Anyway, he was perfect, and the elation of finding him no doubt helped me steam up the hill home in record time. Finally got hold of him at lunchtime to offer him the job, and he’d had second thoughts and turned it down flat. Major kick in the nether regions. I have no other candidates so I’m back to square one, and this leaves my angry, frustrated and thoroughly fed up that I have to start this all over again.

Been thinking about a sugar hit on and off all afternoon. Deep in my sub-concisous, maybe not that deep, my brain still thinks “emotional problem? Solution = eat chocolate”. I haven’t, yet. Went to a cafe for a sandwhich at lunch time and had to stride really fast past the sweet/cake counter, it pulled at me much harder today. I got onto the street and actually stuck my chest out slightly like I was breaking the tape at the end of a race.  Even passing the corner shop was tricky, and I’ve thought several times about going out again specially for chocolate.  This is the first day in two weeks I’ve felt like this for more than a few minutes, I hope it passes soon.

She’s at it again

My daughter that is, screaming her head off at bedtime, slept for 3 hours or so and now she’s at it again (12.15 am). She never used to be like this, I don’t know what’s got into her lately. There’s no reasoning with her, but I suppose that’s normal as she’s only 3.  But tonight, unlike last time, it’s not driven me to food. She has no chocolate left for me to steal, but I wouldn’t anyway. We have cake & biscuits & I want neither. Which is very good.

As for my daughter, she may end up on e-bay if she keeps this up much longer.